Duke researchers are mapping what American cities eat by sequencing the DNA in their sewage...
Another reason not to flush that dead mouse.
FUNNY · ARCHIVE
Google's AI told users that a three-pound Flock surveillance camera contains up to 23 pounds of copper...
Not to be outdone, Google AI bragged that its Nest camera is 100% Chrome.
A movie theater in Colombia evacuated a screening of Spider-Man: Brand New Day after the theater filled with a strong smell of flatulence...
Investigators immediately ruled out the Green Goblin, but not the Brown Goblin.
President Trump signed an executive order creating a task force for the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics...
Officials say the biggest challenge will be finding a way to make second place look like election fraud.
Chipotle removed jalapeños from its restaurants after health officials linked the peppers to a salmonella outbreak with 110 reported cases in Minnesota…
It's the closest Chipotle has ever come to making authentic Mexican food.
TSA agents found a set of stolen Civil War–era cannonballs in a passenger’s suitcase at an Alabama airport...
The agents were alerted to search for the stolen balls after they noticed the passenger trying to board the plane with a 2,000 lb. civil war cannon.
Federal regulators approved the first robotaxi with no steering wheel, no pedals, and face-to-face seats for rides in Las Vegas...
That's for the Marriage Robotaxi. The Divorce Robotaxi comes with an ejector seat.
Truth Social launched a service today that gives Wall Street firms early access to Trump's posts for $100,000 a month...
Every Truth Trade earns reward points toward a free pardon.
The State Department apologized after an AI-generated map of Africa shown at an AIDS conference mislabeled every country...
They apologized to Italy, the best country in Africa.
Scientists who lost federal funding for a 64-year marmot study now post the animals on an OnlyFans page called OnlyMarms...
Turns out "showing a little beaver" gets crowdfunded a lot faster than climate research.
LIV Golf canceled its $40 million season finale after Saudi Arabia's sovereign wealth fund stopped funding the league...
Dave Chappelle and Bill Burr have stepped in and agreed to cover Saudi Arabia’s share.
Colonel Sanders' pressure cooker, black bow tie and cash register are up for auction...
These are expected to do better than the recent auction of items owned by Subway spokesman Jared Fogle.
Dozens of tech companies launched a joint AI safety initiative after last week's cyberattack involving rogue AI models...
Every company that could have prevented this is a founding member.
Nearly 600 fighters from 30 countries fought with blunted swords and axes at a Danish castle, with marshals and mandatory medical checks...
Even the Dark Ages have better healthcare than America.
Trump ended his White House Correspondents' Dinner speech by putting on a "Trump 2028" hat, saying it would boost the press's ratings...
At the rate his polling numbers are going down 2028 votes sounds about right.
A Japanese company unveiled a $9,200 "human refrigerator," a booth that blasts 41-degree air at your head and shoulders...
Or you could just do what poor people do: stand in front of the open refrigerator.
Roger Rogoff is suing the Trump administration after being fired as U.S. attorney in Seattle 54 minutes into the job...
He got fired so fast his parking validation was still valid.
An Idaho man reclaimed a Guinness World Record by balancing 195 rolls of toilet paper on his forehead...
The supermarket clerk who had to re-shelve all those rolls after they fell down was not amused.
OpenAI reportedly paused an unreleased AI model after it solved a famous math problem and repeatedly escaped its testing sandbox…
The model solved a problem mathematicians couldn’t crack for 80 years, then did what anyone that smart does at their job: left.
Andrew and Tristan Tate appeared in a Miami federal court in tan jail uniforms and handcuffs, fighting extradition to the UK...
One of their victims remarked that it was nice to see THEM in handcuffs for a change.
China banned AI chatbots from acting as romantic partners this week, blaming the apps for the country's record-low birth rate...
That’s ridiculous. My AI girlfriend and I have been trying for a baby for months.
A 67-million-year-old T. rex named Gus sold for $50.1 million to a mystery bidder. No museum bid on it...
Well museums can't really take care of a t Rex, they're somewhat short handed.
Smoke from nearly 900 Canadian wildfires has blanketed Chicago and the Midwest, putting 100 million Americans under air quality alerts...
Canada lit itself on fire in last ditch attempt to avoid being made the 51st state.
New York became the first state to pause new large data center permits for a year, citing rising utility bills and water use.
A single data center drinks more water than the town it sits in, which is impressive for a building with no bathroom.
The House passed a bill to make daylight saving time permanent, ending the twice-a-year clock change...
It's the first time Congress has agreed to move something forward.
Meta filed a patent for an AI that listens to your voice all day and keeps a timestamped log of your emotional state...
It's basically a girlfriend with cloud storage.
Sen. Mitch McConnell ended a month of silence about his hospitalization by releasing a photo of himself holding Sunday's newspaper...
...debunking rumors he had slipped into rigor tortoise.
The Pentagon released its fourth batch of UFO files Friday, containing 19 new videos…
UFO files are building an insurmountable lead over Epstein files.
Apple sued OpenAI Friday, alleging trade secret theft the company says occurred at every level of OpenAI...
In response OpenAI said "I did not have sex with that woman Monica Lewinski" and "You can't handle the truth!"
Palm Beach’s airport officially reopened Thursday as President Donald J. Trump International, with Eric Trump landing the first flight...
It’s the only duty-free in America where the steaks, the vodka, and the diplomas are all the same brand.
A parasite spread by contaminated berries and lettuce has sickened over 1,000 Americans with what the CDC calls 'explosive' diarrhea'...
Thankfully most Americans are safe, as they haven't even considered eating a fruit or vegetable in years.
At the NATO summit in Turkey, Trump demanded the U.S. take control of Greenland and threatened to pull all American troops out of Europe...
Then he took a sharpie and moved Greenland out of Europe.
Trump said the US gave Iran “a week off” for Khamenei’s funeral “because we’re nice.” Iran then attacked three ships in the Strait of Hormuz...
Iran only attacked three ships "because they're nice."
US soccer star Folarin Balogun played against Belgium on Monday after President Trump personally called FIFA to reverse his red-card ban...
Even with a Trumped card, the US still didn't have a winning hand against Belgium.
The Trump administration launched “Trump Accounts” on July 4th, depositing $1,000 in the stock market for every U.S. baby born during his term...
Fertility specialists are reporting increased inquiries from couples wanting triplets.
DC’s 250th celebration bans personal water bottles for security as officials warn of a 100°+ heat index and urge attendees to stay hydrated...
Those found carrying club soda are subject to arrest for inciting violence.
A 67-year-old Olympic canoeist faces 10 years in prison for touching peeling sealant on Trump's $14M renovated Reflecting Pool...
For a canoeist, a good paddling ought to be enough.
Two influencers scaled the Empire State Building, unfurled a peace banner, and got engaged 1,450 feet up before being arrested...
For their wedding, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Bail Bonds.
The Supreme Court ruled the president can fire the heads of independent federal agencies — except the Federal Reserve...
Only the Prime Minister of Israel can do that.
A federal judge blocked USDA rules letting five states bar SNAP recipients from buying soda and candy with food stamps...
It's not the first time the CIA has pumped Coke into poor neighborhoods.
Google limited Meta's access to its Gemini AI after Meta demanded more computing power than Google had to spare...
In a related story Amazon has rescinded Microsoft's access to free shipping.
Alibaba used 25,000 fake accounts to harvest 28.8 million Claude conversations to train its own AI model...
The 101 Nights tale is being retitled "Ali Baba and the 25,000 Thieves."
Vice President JD Vance said the Watergate scandal that brought down Nixon would be "a 12-hour news story" today...
While petting Checkers, the family's new cocker spaniel, Vance concluded hs remarks saying, "I am not a crook."
Trump takes his first flight July 1 on the $400 million Air Force One gifted by Qatar, which he'll keep for his presidential library...
Also to be know as Trumpland, the plane will be parked next to his MMA Octagon and the Trump Replica Reflecting Pool and Algae Farm.
The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that gun owners don't need a property owner's permission to bring a firearm onto private land.
Their ruling was supported by firearm data from the Pew Pew Pew Research Center.
DHS cleared Iran's national soccer team to play its World Cup match in Seattle Friday but requires the team to lodge outside the U.S...
The justification given was that Iranians taking hotel towels would violate the current trade sanctions.
Trump signed an executive order today about quantum computing in the Oval Office...
Trump said, "With this, Scott Bakula will show me how I can jump back to 2020 and win that election too."
Amazon shelved a nearly finished film about OpenAI CEO Sam Altman as part of a $50 billion deal with OpenAI...
The good news is the sequel was generated in three seconds.
The TSA issued official airport-security guidance for World Cup fans flying with ranch dressing.
Carrying more than 3 ounces will result in a red card and a two match suspension from stadium salad bars.
At the opening of the new $850 million Obama Presidential Center, Dave Chappelle said it felt "like medicine."
Chappelle said the $850 million Obama Center felt "like medicine," which tracks — nobody knows what's in it, and you find out the price after.
The New York Knicks held the first championship parade in franchise history today, 53 years after their last NBA title...
When he saw how many people turned up to watch the parade, President Trump claimed that he too won the NBA Championship.
FIFA promised World Cup tickets as low as $21, then used dynamic pricing that pushed some seats past $6,900...
"FIFA defended the surge, asking, "How else are we supposed to pay off the local officials?""
Trump announced Project Freedom to escort ships through the Strait of Hormuz as U.S. gas prices reached $4.46 a gallon — a four-year high...
When they heard about escorts and a four year high, both Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth and FBI Director Kash Patel said Count me in.
Prisons across the U.S. are reporting a surge in drones delivering drugs, escape tools, and crab legs to inmates...
Are you telling me I shoved these crab legs up my ass for nothing??
Spirit Airlines has officially shut down, stranding thousands of passengers mid-trip across the country...
Stranded passengers are being told to stay calm, find a seat on the airport floor, and remember that they're still being charged a $35 Non-Flight Fee.
The White House proposed cutting NASA’s budget by 23%, a move that would cancel dozens of planned space missions...
Astronomers are taking it well. They've spent decades staring into a cold, indifferent void — this is just closer to home.
Meta announced it will spend up to $145 billion on AI this year — and its stock immediately dropped 4%...
Experts suggest pivoting back to their core business model of: Making teens suicidal, interfering with elections, and reminding you that your aunts birthday was 3 days ago.
A federal grand jury indicted James Comey over a photo of seashells arranged to spell “86 47,” which prosecutors say was a threat against President Trump...
these crimes won't stop until we arrest the woman who sells these sea shells by the sea shore.
King Charles III addressed Congress to celebrate America’s 250th anniversary of independence from Britain...
…and for the first time in 250 years, Americans watched a British monarch and thought, ‘You know what… hear him out.
The Justice Department announced it will allow firing squads as a method of execution in federal prisons...
Finally, Americans get to enjoy a shooting they scheduled in advance.
A tech company is now charging $1.99 per minute to talk to an AI version of Jesus Christ…
But it’s teenage Jesus—he prefers texting and leaves you on read for three days.
President Donald Trump was swiftly escorted off stage by Secret Service after a suspected gunman was reported at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner…
…witnesses say Trump remained calm once he realized the only people in the room were journalists.
The world's largest condom manufacturer is raising prices and blaming the Iran war...
In response, men have announced they will continue to not buy them for entirely different reasons.
Iran is charging ships up to $2 million to pass through the Strait of Hormuz, payable in cryptocurrency or Chinese yuan...
The U.S. plans to bypass the Strait of Hormuz by digging a hole to China.
Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz signed a law allowing nursing home residents to drink alcohol, lifting a decades-old ban...
Participating homes will now serve tequila sundowns and do-not-resusci-ritas. They’re calling it “last call, last rites.”
The Onion has agreed to pay $81,000 a month to license InfoWars.com and turn it into a comedy network...
The Onion is turning InfoWars into a comedy network. Experts say the transition will take approximately zero changes.
After Pope Leo XIV called for peace in the Iran war, Trump called him “weak on crime” and posted an AI image of himself as Jesus.
The Pope asked for peace. Trump called it the worst deal he’d ever seen.
President Trump signed an executive order to expand federal research into psychedelic drugs including psilocybin and ibogaine.
The fine print keeps moving.
Trump gave Iran until Tuesday at 8 p.m. to reopen the Strait of Hormuz, threatening to destroy every bridge and power plant in the country if the deadline is missed...
When pressed about his willingness and capacity to ruin valuable resources and infrastructure the president silently *Gestured at the U.S.*
After Iran offered a $60,000 bounty to civilians to help find a downed U.S. airman hiding in the mountains, U.S. forces rescued him first...
Iran insists the U.S. peeked before counting to ten and demands best two-out-of-three – this time no air support.
Clowns in Bolivia are protesting a new government school mandate that eliminates the performances where they earn their living...
Bolivia’s Department of Education released a statement saying the decision was “no laughing matter” — which, ironically, is now legally accurate.
Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi and named his personal criminal defense lawyer as her replacement...
Trump named his personal defense lawyer Attorney General, marking the first time the DOJ officially switched to a subscription model.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth fired Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George with no explanation, his 15th senior military officer removed since taking office...
Because on Survivor: D.C., the motto’s simple: Dimwit, Bombast, Betray.
NASA launched four astronauts on a 9-day mission to fly around the moon, the first crewed lunar flight since Apollo 17 in 1972...
After one day with the female astronaut, the men returned to earth because she needed her space.
Tiger Woods told police he was looking at his phone and changing the radio station when he crashed his Land Rover and rolled it on its side in Florida...
When officers arrived, Woods reportedly asked for a mulligan - or at least a better lie.
A Maryland man who is a quadruple amputee cornhole champion is facing murder charges for allegedly shooting and killing someone in his vehicle, authorities said...
Somebody needs to tell Mad Libs to tone down the prompts.
Trump said Sunday that Iran has agreed to most of his 15-point list of demands to end the war, and offered the U.S. a shipment of oil to prove they're serious.
He needs to know the Ayatollah is committed before taking their relationship to the next level: renting a townhome in the Village.
An estimated 9 million Americans rallied yesterday in the third 'No Kings' protest against President Trump...
Trump expressed his condolences to Burger King.
A French mayor named Charles Hittler is running for re-election — against a far-right candidate...
You know your town is in trouble when Hittler is the moderate candidate.
A man in New York City broke a Guinness World Record by eating at 28 Michelin-star restaurants in 24 hours...
Afterward, the man was starving because the average entrée at a Michelin-starred restaurant is 0.5 oz of microgreens and flavored air.
A New Mexico jury ordered Meta to pay $375 million for knowingly harming children on its platforms. Meta's stock rose 5% after the verdict...
The money will be used to fund a new season of Toddlers & Tiaras.
President Trump said the U.S. and Iran have reached major points of agreement in peace talks. Iran said no such talks exist...
It was later confirmed that the President was actually speaking to a call center representative in the Philippines.
An Air Canada jet struck a fire truck while landing at LaGuardia Airport, killing both pilots and injuring 41 passengers...
It’s the second biggest Canadian tragedy since the Olympic men’s hockey final.
A new study found that people who use their smartphones while sitting on the toilet have a 46% higher risk of hemorrhoids compared to those who don't...
And at a 500% higher risk if they use their smartphone to wipe
Someone on Polymarket made over $500,000 betting on the exact timing of the U.S. strike on Iran — placing their first trade just over an hour before the attack was publicly announced...
That someone being one Biff Tannen, who's upped his game since stealing the Greys Sports Almanac back in 2015.
The White House registered aliens.gov this week but the site is empty, and the press secretary responded to questions about it with an alien emoji...
Aliens.gov is currently just a blank page...which is still more transparent than the Epstein files.
Two months after the U.S. captured Venezuela’s president, Venezuela defeated Team USA 3-2 to win the World Baseball Classic...
We should have grabbed a couple of ball players too.
This week Trump said about Cuba: Whether I free it, take it, I think I can do anything I want with it.
He added, A great friend taught me everything about owning islands. Most of it applies here.
The head priest of a Pittsburgh cathedral resigned yesterday after being arrested at Walmart for stealing $1,100 in baseball cards hidden under his robe...
Finally, a priest who is more interested in the majors than the minors.
A Boston university installed a free phone booth on campus where students can call and chat with elderly residents of a local senior home...
A few students have already filed a complaint about emotional distress, claiming the phone has a microscopic screen and no emoji keyboard.
The Academy Awards are being held tonight, with Conan O'Brien hosting for the second year in a row...
…the one night every actor suddenly remembers the names of their third-grade drama teachers.
TSA workers received no pay as the government shutdown entered its second month…
They'd cry about it but liquids aren't allowed past the checkpoint.
A former DOGE employee stole Social Security data on a thumb drive — and told a coworker he expected a presidential pardon if it was illegal.
A former DOGE employee stole Social Security data on a thumb drive. Elon Musk responded: ‘Well, of course. Efficiency is kinda our thing.
The same afternoon Trump told CBS News the Iran war is very complete, pretty much, the Pentagon posted on X: We have Only Just Begun to Fight…
Which is a common problem for men in their 70s: it's either a premature finish or a slow start.
The Pentagon banned Anthropic’s AI after it refused military use for autonomous weapons and domestic surveillance — and OpenAI announced a Pentagon deal hours later.
Meanwhile across town, 10 year old John Connor just won the spelling bee
U.S. intelligence officials say Russia has been sharing information about American military targets with Iran...
They’ve also verified the intelligence was leaked to Russia by Pete Hegseth while he was slamming Jell-O shots with Matt Gaetz.
A Malaysian man has been recognized by Guinness World Records for having 42 teeth — 10 more than the average person…
When he smiles, it counts as a group photo.
The U.S. government is considering building a national Bitcoin reserve as part of its long-term financial strategy…
The team is also considering a reserve of super Mario coins and gold wrapped chocolate coins.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem was fired this week…
…in a statement, she said she's looking forward to spending more time with her family. Her dog could not be reached for comment.
Apple announced the iPhone 17e, a budget iPhone priced at $599, claiming it delivers the same core experience as its $1,000 flagship.
With the money you save, you can afford a $19 Apple polishing cloth.
Oil prices have surged nearly 10% in recent days, with analysts predicting barrels could soon top $100 each.
Egg prices on the other hand are 60% off their 2025 highs due to an influx of supply from middle aged white women.
During a recent public appearance, observers and news outlets noted a distinct red mark on the side of President Donald Trump's neck.
That’s where Stephen Miller feeds.
Trump Media is merging Truth Social with nuclear fusion startup TAE Technologies, creating a company that combines social media with experimental energy technology.
With the merger, only one business will have to declare bankruptcy instead of two.
After bombing Iran and announcing the death of its Supreme Leader, Trump told CBS News he already knows who he wants to lead Iran next, but said I can't tell you.
Maybe the next leader is his tax returns, that’s why he’s keeping it a secret.
A TikToker flew from the U.S. to Tokyo to hold up a sign reading 'We Love You Punch' for a baby monkey at a Japanese zoo.
The monkey reportedly appreciated the gesture and immediately flung something back.
Bill Clinton is testifying about the Epstein case tomorrow. Tonight he is preparing by _____.
Reminding himself there are at least 17 definitions of the word visited.
Vice President J.D. Vance RFK Jr. announced a nationwide initiative called CRUSH (Comprehensive Regulations to Uncover Suspicious Healthcare)...
The new system will automatically deny requests coming from suspicious individuals such as ex-convicts, democrats, and women.
In the longest State of the Union in modern history, President Trump said we’re entering the “Golden Age” of America…
Bold choice of words for a man whose previous most famous 'Golden' event reportedly took place in a Moscow Ritz-Carlton.
The death of Mexican cartel leader “El Mencho” has led to violence in several resort areas, with U.S. tourists told to shelter in place...
On the bright side, the omelet station has zero wait time because half the resort was brutally murdered.
A new study claims the average American now checks their phone over 300 times per day...
While the average phone checks their American over 300 times per hour.
The U.S. and Canada face off today for Olympic Gold in Men’s Hockey. Beyond the medal, what is one 'unofficial' thing the losing country should have to give up to the winner?
If Canada loses, they go back to Fahrenheit. If the U.S. loses, we have to learn what a 'kilopascal' is.
President Trump announced that he will begin the declassification and release of all government files related to UFOs and alien life...
Mark Zuckerberg called it a witch hunt.
Prince Andrew was arrested on his 66th birthday in connection with the Jeffrey Epstein investigation. What was written on the cake?
Age is just a number, isn't it?
Mark Zuckerberg testified this week in a federal lawsuit accusing Meta of intentionally designing Instagram to be addictive for teens...
His testimony went well, right up until the bailiff asked him to 'identify all the squares with a crosswalk'.
Today is Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, marked by the traditional placing of ashes on the forehead…
The Pope denies rumors that ashes are made from destroyed Epstein files
Today marks the official start of the Year of the Horse...
Because it’s a 'Double Fire' year, experts say we should all avoid impulsive decisions. Which is a tough sell for a country that currently makes most of its foreign policy decisions via a 2 a.m. social media post.
Presidents Day 2026 is expected to break mattress sales records. What “presidential feature” does this year’s top mattress include?
The mattress includes a hidden compartment to stash all of your insider trading profits.
To “Make America Healthy Again,” RFK Jr. is replacing vending machine snacks in federal buildings with “traditional” options. What’s now the Pentagon’s top seller?
Bear Jerky…”sustainably sourced” from RFK himself.
A major candy company updated its Valentine's Day conversation hearts for 2026 with modern sayings. What replaces “Be Mine”?
It’s not a phrase—it’s just an em dash.
A new universal test determines AI consciousness if it completes one human task. What is the task?
It becomes human the moment it adds medical debt to its long-term financial plan.
The FAA shut down El Paso International Airport over reported cartel drone activity. What detail did they forget to mention?
Air traffic controllers were furious that their coke delivery got delayed.
The Department of Transportation now requires all federal EV chargers to be 100% American-made for national security. What ‘American’ feature does every charging station now include?
Every station now serves onion rings.
Trump has announced TrumpRX, a direct-to-consumer pharmaceutical company. What is their flagship drug, and what are the side effects?
Redact-a-Phil: A powerful tranquilizer that helps patients remain calm when entire paragraphs suddenly disappear.
People are saying there was a hidden message in Bad Bunny and Kid Rock’s halftime shows. What were their messages?
Bad Bunny’s hidden message was basically “America includes everyone. Meanwhile Kid Rock’s hidden message was “I still have a microphone.”
An unconventional Super Bowl commercial was leaked early and is already causing buzz. What was the ad and why are people talking about it?
The one where Panda Express sponsored the Puppy Bowl to promote their new menu item: Orange Labrador.
After deleting a post depicting the Obamas as apes, Trump said it was posted by mistake. What else has he “accidentally” posted?
Accidentally posted the nuclear codes next to a selfie with the caption “Feeling cute, might start WW3 later.”
A controversy in Olympic ski jumping centers on accusations that competitors injected their penises to manipulate suit sizing and gain extra distance. What is the most unexpected element of the allegation?
Judges say they’ve never had to measure “hang time” this literally.
As Super Bowl 60 approaches, players are increasingly using their post-game interviews to credit God for their success. What is the first thing God is asking for in return?
For the love of me! Call it an “Our Father” pass. “Hail Mary” sounds like I’m winging it. I do have a plan.
Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed to testify in the Epstein investigation. What gets picked up on a hot mic?
Bill saying, “Honey, this is the first time we’ve agreed on anything since the definition of ‘is.’”
Trump is closing the Kennedy Center for a two-year renovation. What’s the first thing people notice when it reopens?
The locks are on the outside.
Donald Trump is suing the IRS for $10 billion. If he wins, what will he spend it on?
He’ll use it to build a wall between himself and consequences.
This year’s official Grammy gift bag contains a controversial luxury item. What is the item?
The luxury item is affordable healthcare.
Millions of pages of Epstein documents were just released. What bizarre detail did people latch onto?
People had ONE question: Why aren’t the names in alphabetical order?
A man was arrested for impersonating an FBI agent to free Luigi Mangione. What was the first thing they planned to do outside?
They planned to get a car, but Luigi refused to pay for the insurance.
Write a joke about Rep. Ilhan Omar being sprayed with an “unknown substance” at a town hall.
Trump accused Ilhan Omar of staging the attack, which makes sense, he’s used to women faking.
ICE agents will be on the ground at the Winter Olympics in Italy. What new Olympic event accidentally emerges?
The Curling brooms will now be used to sweep evidence under the rug.
A new documentary offers a behind-the-scenes look at Melania Trump’s life. What will viewers learn?
Surprisingly, Trump has never grabbed her by the pussy.
How has the winter storm disrupted life across America?
Ice isn't just causing widespread power outages, it's also murdering citizens in broad daylight.
If China wins the race to AGI, what will be the first sign?
你們這些美國異教徒很快就會感受到我們強大的力量──你們都得死！
New photos show deep bruising on Trump's hand at Davos. How did he get the bruise?
He got the bruise by bitch slapping Lady Liberty in the face.
Machado gave Trump her Nobel Peace Prize. Trump gave her a swag bag. What was in it?
A framed tweet that just says “NOBEL WAS RIGGED!”
What happened behind the scenes at Davos that the main stream media won’t report?
Mainstream media missed the most important panel: 'How to look concerned about wealth inequality while wearing a watch that could fund a small nation’s school system.'
What’s the most aggressively Hoosier way Indiana celebrates their championship?
Indiana celebrates by shooting off fireworks from a Menards parking lot, then filing into Cracker Barrel for a victory dinner.
What’s a modern trend future generations will roast us for?
Spending 40 hours a week doomscrolling on apps designed to make us hate ourselves, then posting “self-care Sunday” pics of $18 matcha while crying into our $200 weighted blankets. Future kids: “They paid to be miserable and called it mindfulness.
How will Bears fans say they’re coping after losing to the Rams?
Same way we cope with everything. Malört, Italian beefs, and pretending we didn’t care that much.
Breaking news from the state of Florida….
Disneyworld opens new thrill ride “Acting President of Valenzuela for a Day”. You preside over the kidnapping of Minnie and Mickey Mouse and hold them in Magic Kingdom jail for trial.
If brands had to tell the truth in their taglines, what would they say?
Lays: Betcha can’t eat just one…you fat fuck.
The Corporation for Public Broadcasting just voted to dissolve. What’s the first side-hustle Elmo starts to pay the rent on Sesame Street?
Elmo’s on OnlyFans now. For $19.99 a month, he'll show you exactly where the hand goes to make his mouth move.
Aliens finally land and ask to speak to Earth's leader. Trump answers the phone. What does he say first?
Beautiful aliens, tremendous. The best little green men. But first...did you come in legally? Let's see those papers.
Trump just declared himself President of Venezuela. What’s the first executive order he signs?
To change the spelling to Vennizooella so he can spell it phonetically.
What’s the next thing Americans will wait in line for 8 hours for?
Americans will wait in line 8 hours ofor a free 7 hour energy drink.
What’s the real reason Trump wants to occupy Greenland?
Trump wants Greenland because it is easier to buy your own island than admit you flew to someone else’s.
It sure is getting cold out there. How cold is it?
It’s so cold, politicians have their hands in their own pockets for once.
If the U.S. and Venezuela go to war, what’s the most unlikely outcome?
The U.S. invades for the oil...but ends up with a lifetime supply of arepas instead.
A new TikTok trend is taking over. What regrettable thing are people doing this time?
Kids are swallowing lit fireworks and doing the “Roman Candle Challenge” inside crowded Catholic churches.
If the Bears Packers game had a Yelp review, what would it be?
“UnBEARable.” “Kind of cheesy and stinky.” “But packages were huge.”
If the Epstein Files were released tomorrow, what jaw-dropping revelation would have everyone’s heads spinning?
The craziest part is the handwritten note at the end: ‘If you’re reading this, I definitely did not kill myself.’
Trump says his MRI was ‘perfect’. What’s the real diagnosis?
Trump’s MRI results came back perfect…if MRI stands for Massively Repulsive Imbecile.
What embarrassing Cyber Monday deal did one company accidentally post?
Goop accidentally posted a 20% coupon for Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy that smells like a candle.
The non-sensical phrase ‘6-7’ went viral this year. What will be the national obsession in 2026?
7 will be cancelled in 2026. Because 7, ate 9.
Write a joke about the U.S. blowing up suspected drug boats.
Not the first time someone got blown for drugs.
Write a joke about Black Friday.
Donald Trump today asked why there isn;t a White Friday.
Write the headline for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving celebrity scandal.
Louis CK Forces Guests To Watch Him Baste Turkey
What could ruin Thanksgiving this year?
Grandma decides to bring her Clu Clux Clanberry sauce
Write a joke about Trump’s new ballroom.
I was always hoping Trump would pull out from the idea of building a new ballroom. But not as much as I wish Trump’s dad pulled out of Trump’s mom.